A brief bulletin of be causes to be championed or challenged during my (eventual) bid to become mayor.
- Installation of a world-wide Ban on ALL Support Causes. We do not support Cancer or Autism or Homelessness or any shitty thing we don’t want for ourselves, we fight them. Writing that inane slogan on a fake ribbon and applying it to your bumper only makes you a moron with zero aesthetic understanding.
- Creation of Special Task Force to ensure Hazel’esque future re-election and mine own personal/professional enemy elimination.
- Decriminalize Peanut Butter possession/consumption in all public school lunch rooms. Personal bubbles (or a gross of EPI pens) for the kids who are actually allergic.
- One-Time Eye (Sore) Tax of 250$ on all new mini-van and SUV sales.
- Immediate 10% Pig Tax on all FOOD (or food-like products) promising children ‘toys’ with their shitty little meals.
- Arrest, incarceration and fine of 500$ for any person/organization requiring Mandatory Donations to attend, park at or otherwise make use of a FREE event.
- Further to above, a fine of 50$ for each Fire Fighter Boot waived under unwitting noses with the intent to solicit or guilt donations at stop lights.
- Further further to the above, a 20,000$ fine (errr, mandatory donation) made directly to the cause they claim to be supporting for any business that asks customers if they ‘would you like to donate $1 today?’ at check out.
- Immediate 200% decrease to Bus’able Zone of schools. From the current 1km to like 3 fucking km’s. Because your kids are fat and the buses are overfilled with snotty kids making snotty faces…snotty faced kids ultimately too chicken shit to fight you when you run their bus off the road to confront them…
- Further to above, 30 day licence revocation for parents that drive kids to school inside the No Bus’able Zone before the bell. Because parents are fat too.
- Immediate 5% Litter Bug Tax on all FOOD (or food-like products) served on/in non-reusable plates/bags/etc.
- Elimination and destruction of all Special Interest Groups (or whatever else they the major minority of organized uninteresting things call themselves). Fuck them, they can vote like everyone else.
- True Cost Products Tax. Fuck free-trade. Immediate 1% Pollution Tax for every 10km a product travels to reach final POS (outside the first 150).
- New construction requirements (fees) for all developers. Increased City Infrastructure Contributions. Including bike paths, traffic control, community centres, public schools and a bigger fucking office for the mayor.
- Local Harvest Status for business that sell primarily (50% or greater) local goods (sourced within 150km). Food: tax and property credits for accredited markets, grocers, restaurants (those that sell locally murdered food). Cars: despite what the ‘hungry yet?’ bumper stickers might imply, those vehicles made by TOYOTA and HONDA (in Ontario) are in fact DOMESTIC. Cars made by GM are just shit, regardless of origin.
- Cat Culling. Cats caught pooping outside, cats fighting (not for my entertainment), cats meowing or shedding, cats just generally outside the confines of their registered home and/or NOT licensed to a barn or factory (for security or pit fighting) will be farmed for meat and served in soup local kitchens.
- Additional 3% At Least Recycle You Wasteful Bitches Tax on all FOOD (or food-like products) served in/on non-recyclable plates/bags/etc. Furthermore, fines of $20,000 (or more) for facilities that do not provide/monitor/encourage on-site recycling options.
- Abolishment and conversion of the Catholic School Board. Buddha and Superman don’t have a fucking school boards, why does Jesus?
- Corporal Punishment (or Sargent Slaughter if you wish) for Bike Theft, Bike Rape or sniggering at someones POS bike, helmet head or tight jeans.
- Homeless Hiring Initiative. Whinny, bitchy or otherwise uncooperative city workers will immediately and instantly be replaced with homeless persons. The benefits to all parties are entirely obvious.
- Immediate and instant Declaration of War on Politically Correctness. Words is money; less mincing means more doing, we’re pretty sure you’ll get over it.
- Immediate Banning of the term HERO when used to describe any person or occupation that does NOT involve running (a)cross a motherfucking country to raise money on a single solitary leg while enduring late-stage cancer. You are a monetarily compensated public service person (cop, fire, nurse), not a hero. Unless you are. Then you probably got a medal and the afternoon off.
- Creation of a Special Task Force to investigate the economic and sociological cost/benefits associated with the complete or partial elimination of mornings.
Vote for Pedro.